Commentary Magazine


Topic: 3-D

Strange Herring

Another American hero soiled: The father of our country owes $300,000 in … library fines. And I had the police knocking at my door because I kept Nuclear War: What’s in It for You? an extra day…

National Day of Prayer ruled unconstitutional because it encourages prayer. Hence the name. Closing federal institutions on Christmas also ruled unconstitutional because it encourages

Tea Party crasher cum public school teacher gets failing grade from his union. Apparently silencing political opposition via questionable tactics (“he called on his supporters to collect the Social Security numbers — among other personal identifying information — about as many Tea Party supporters as possible”) risks damaging his credibility. This from his union.

Speaking of escaped inmates, dressing like a sheep should always be Plan A.

Watching 3-D TV may be hazardous to your health. Side effects include dizziness, nausea, and Avatar: The Director’s Cut. Not necessarily in that order.

Back in January, Secretary of Defense Gates warned the White House that its Iran policy stinked. The White House denies that the memo had any effect in its decision-making of late. “We are impervious to criticism,” said one insider who agreed to speak with me on promise of anonymity and $11. “Facts are just the lazy man’s excuse not to dream. Yes, dream … the impossible dream. To fight … the unbeatable foe … to bea-a-a-r-r … with unbearable sorro-o-o-o-w … to–”

Holocaust-denying loony-bin attendant Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is convinced that he and Obama make a great team. Like Juan and Eva Peron. Or Kukla, Fran, and Ollie. Without Ollie.

So Apple has decided that banning a Pulitzer Prize-winning cartoonist’s iPhone app for satirizing public figures may have been a mistake. Someone at the Apple store needs an anti-depressant. Or a dictionary.

Nude models shocked, shocked, that people grope them in MoMA exhibitionist exhibition. Where’s Fiorello LaGuardia when you need him?

If you’re an alcoholic, eat more chocolate. On the other hand, if you’re a diabetic, you’re … but this is a family blog.

You know he’s faking, don’t you?

Phoenix has a musical-instrument museum. (Well, it had to do something, what with Camp Verde getting all that attention with its Wicker Wonderland.)

Nicholas Cage wants to be buried beneath a pyramid, as opposed to a mountain of debts. Good call, good call.

Your pets are trying to kill you, no doubt in an effort to assume the reins of power and reduce what’s left of humankind to chattel slavery. Just like in those monkey-planet movies. Remember this the next time you’re mulling over Science Diet fare versus that sandwich that’s been in your knapsack since Wednesday.

A 20-year-old woman has been barred — from every single bar in the United Kingdom. When they say “No shirt, no shoes, no service,” they mean it over there.

Think twice before naming your baby Apple or Dweezil or Pope Alexander VI. You may live to regret it.

And finally, Tracy City, Tennessee, has elected a dead man mayor. Accusations of corruption immediately followed.

And that’s news you can use. I’ll be back next week. Unless the laws change.

Another American hero soiled: The father of our country owes $300,000 in … library fines. And I had the police knocking at my door because I kept Nuclear War: What’s in It for You? an extra day…

National Day of Prayer ruled unconstitutional because it encourages prayer. Hence the name. Closing federal institutions on Christmas also ruled unconstitutional because it encourages

Tea Party crasher cum public school teacher gets failing grade from his union. Apparently silencing political opposition via questionable tactics (“he called on his supporters to collect the Social Security numbers — among other personal identifying information — about as many Tea Party supporters as possible”) risks damaging his credibility. This from his union.

Speaking of escaped inmates, dressing like a sheep should always be Plan A.

Watching 3-D TV may be hazardous to your health. Side effects include dizziness, nausea, and Avatar: The Director’s Cut. Not necessarily in that order.

Back in January, Secretary of Defense Gates warned the White House that its Iran policy stinked. The White House denies that the memo had any effect in its decision-making of late. “We are impervious to criticism,” said one insider who agreed to speak with me on promise of anonymity and $11. “Facts are just the lazy man’s excuse not to dream. Yes, dream … the impossible dream. To fight … the unbeatable foe … to bea-a-a-r-r … with unbearable sorro-o-o-o-w … to–”

Holocaust-denying loony-bin attendant Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is convinced that he and Obama make a great team. Like Juan and Eva Peron. Or Kukla, Fran, and Ollie. Without Ollie.

So Apple has decided that banning a Pulitzer Prize-winning cartoonist’s iPhone app for satirizing public figures may have been a mistake. Someone at the Apple store needs an anti-depressant. Or a dictionary.

Nude models shocked, shocked, that people grope them in MoMA exhibitionist exhibition. Where’s Fiorello LaGuardia when you need him?

If you’re an alcoholic, eat more chocolate. On the other hand, if you’re a diabetic, you’re … but this is a family blog.

You know he’s faking, don’t you?

Phoenix has a musical-instrument museum. (Well, it had to do something, what with Camp Verde getting all that attention with its Wicker Wonderland.)

Nicholas Cage wants to be buried beneath a pyramid, as opposed to a mountain of debts. Good call, good call.

Your pets are trying to kill you, no doubt in an effort to assume the reins of power and reduce what’s left of humankind to chattel slavery. Just like in those monkey-planet movies. Remember this the next time you’re mulling over Science Diet fare versus that sandwich that’s been in your knapsack since Wednesday.

A 20-year-old woman has been barred — from every single bar in the United Kingdom. When they say “No shirt, no shoes, no service,” they mean it over there.

Think twice before naming your baby Apple or Dweezil or Pope Alexander VI. You may live to regret it.

And finally, Tracy City, Tennessee, has elected a dead man mayor. Accusations of corruption immediately followed.

And that’s news you can use. I’ll be back next week. Unless the laws change.

Read Less