Commentary Magazine


Topic: Air Supply

Strange Herring

Obama limits U.S. use of nuclear weapons to one minute after our glorious republic is a steaming pile of ash, toxic waste, and rotting human flesh. So there’s a plan.

World spared another Salinger “masterpiece.” Thank you. Thank you.

Subways of the future are so cool you’ll want to live in them. Unlike some of us…

Loon’s mommy says Fox News made him threaten Nancy Pelosi. Well, MSNBC made me punch a rodeo clown, you don’t hear me whining about it…

Office of the High Commissioner of Human Rights forces Steve Jobs to stop running those stupid “Buy Apple” ads.

Obama’s judicial nominee withdraws because she’s not universally acclaimed. Somebody needs a hug. Or clozapine. (I said or …)

NY Times Ethicist says stealing’s OK as long as you convince yourself it’s not really stealing. (Immanuel Kant call your office — and cancel your subscription to the Times.)

ObamaCare a definite pain in the prostate.

Do not quit your job as a nanosurgery technician to stuff envelopes from home. There’s no money in it, apparently.

No Flash a problem if you’re in the Hulu loop.

Fit pregnancy could result in scrawny offspring. O the ironies. And by “O,” I don’t mean O. Or O. Or O.

British farmers claim UFOs are attacking their sheep. Damn foreigners.

Minor-league baseball team signs girl pitcher. For the love of Joe Pepitone, where will this egalitarian madness end? Next thing you know, women will be running businesses and becoming heads of state. Miserable communists…

Prehistoric bugs discovered preserved in amber, just like socialism in the head of a Nation editor…

NYU School of Journalism names Top 10 works of journalism in past decade. Wait a minute — they have schools for journalism? They grade on a curve, yes?

The Twinkie is 80. Literally. Like the one you’re eating right now.

And Gatorade goes kosher. So now your rabbi can replenish his fluids during those really long liturgies. (H/T Abe Greenwald)

Karzai’s tirade makes perfect sense now. Hey, Hamid, don’t Bogart that hookah.

Turkey threatens to do to Armenians what they did to Armenians if anyone mentions what they did to Armenians. Which they deny doing. Unless you make them do it.

Fossil of 4-foot-2-inch boy found. He may or may not be the missing link. He may or may not have fronted an Air Supply tribute band.

And finally, Elizabeth Taylor, 78, is engaged. A triumph of hope over experience.

Obama limits U.S. use of nuclear weapons to one minute after our glorious republic is a steaming pile of ash, toxic waste, and rotting human flesh. So there’s a plan.

World spared another Salinger “masterpiece.” Thank you. Thank you.

Subways of the future are so cool you’ll want to live in them. Unlike some of us…

Loon’s mommy says Fox News made him threaten Nancy Pelosi. Well, MSNBC made me punch a rodeo clown, you don’t hear me whining about it…

Office of the High Commissioner of Human Rights forces Steve Jobs to stop running those stupid “Buy Apple” ads.

Obama’s judicial nominee withdraws because she’s not universally acclaimed. Somebody needs a hug. Or clozapine. (I said or …)

NY Times Ethicist says stealing’s OK as long as you convince yourself it’s not really stealing. (Immanuel Kant call your office — and cancel your subscription to the Times.)

ObamaCare a definite pain in the prostate.

Do not quit your job as a nanosurgery technician to stuff envelopes from home. There’s no money in it, apparently.

No Flash a problem if you’re in the Hulu loop.

Fit pregnancy could result in scrawny offspring. O the ironies. And by “O,” I don’t mean O. Or O. Or O.

British farmers claim UFOs are attacking their sheep. Damn foreigners.

Minor-league baseball team signs girl pitcher. For the love of Joe Pepitone, where will this egalitarian madness end? Next thing you know, women will be running businesses and becoming heads of state. Miserable communists…

Prehistoric bugs discovered preserved in amber, just like socialism in the head of a Nation editor…

NYU School of Journalism names Top 10 works of journalism in past decade. Wait a minute — they have schools for journalism? They grade on a curve, yes?

The Twinkie is 80. Literally. Like the one you’re eating right now.

And Gatorade goes kosher. So now your rabbi can replenish his fluids during those really long liturgies. (H/T Abe Greenwald)

Karzai’s tirade makes perfect sense now. Hey, Hamid, don’t Bogart that hookah.

Turkey threatens to do to Armenians what they did to Armenians if anyone mentions what they did to Armenians. Which they deny doing. Unless you make them do it.

Fossil of 4-foot-2-inch boy found. He may or may not be the missing link. He may or may not have fronted an Air Supply tribute band.

And finally, Elizabeth Taylor, 78, is engaged. A triumph of hope over experience.

Read Less

Big Bang Machine Felled by Frenchman from the Future

So efforts by scientists to re-create the big bang — that moment, if one can speak of a moment, as in time, before there was time, or at least a decent wristwatch, when energy, or some hot gooey primordial stuff, spewed out a burgeoning universe, eventuating in the birth of galaxies, the advent of life, and the eventual cancellation of Charles in Charge — have failed once again.

It seems that the quixotic quest to find Higgs Boson, once thought to be the front man for an Air Supply tribute band, but which turns out to be the “God” particle,” has come to a crumbling halt.

First, about a year ago, the Large Hadron Collider (not to be confused with the Medium Hadron Collider and Omnidirectional Shower Head) went phffffff when, shortly upon whiz-banging, hydrogen began to leak from its cooling thingee, ruining a good pair of chinos and an autographed picture of Carol Channing.

Now, after months of grueling repair work by the finest minds that could be found on Craigslist, the whole epic venture to determine how matter attains mass, or why matadors go to Mass, or some such thing, I don’t know, I wasn’t paying attention, has gone kablooey once again.

Turns out a piece of French bread gummed up the works.

Yes. French bread.

And that’s not the weird part.

As the narrator of this CNN piece relates:

According to two physicists, the culprit could be the Higgs-Boson Particle traveling back in time to destroy itself.

I hate when that happens.

One of those physicists, a man with three names and a thick foreign accent, and not one of those mad-scientist accents either, but more like that of a maitre’d at a bad fusion restaurant, said, “It would look as if the future has an influence on what happens today or yesterday.”

Which would explain my VISA bill. But I digress.

The narrator continued:

Dr. [THREE NAMES] says it looks like the Higgs Boson Particle may be so abhorrent to nature that it rippled back in time to sabotage the machine that created it.

But why French bread, when a bag of gummi bears would have proved just as effective? Unless Higgs Boson is a diversion, and some French saboteurs from the future have deliberately screwed things up, envious of others’ potential achievement. (You know how they get …)

In any event, judge for yourself:

I know what you’re thinking: this is CNN, and so this has to be a put-on. Or just wrong. And to be honest, French people from the future I’ve spoken to deny having anything to do with this. But they would, then, wouldn’t they? And I suppose the Belgians had nothing to do with the waffle that was found in the gene splicer at MIT’s Lab 40. Saw that on CNN too.

So efforts by scientists to re-create the big bang — that moment, if one can speak of a moment, as in time, before there was time, or at least a decent wristwatch, when energy, or some hot gooey primordial stuff, spewed out a burgeoning universe, eventuating in the birth of galaxies, the advent of life, and the eventual cancellation of Charles in Charge — have failed once again.

It seems that the quixotic quest to find Higgs Boson, once thought to be the front man for an Air Supply tribute band, but which turns out to be the “God” particle,” has come to a crumbling halt.

First, about a year ago, the Large Hadron Collider (not to be confused with the Medium Hadron Collider and Omnidirectional Shower Head) went phffffff when, shortly upon whiz-banging, hydrogen began to leak from its cooling thingee, ruining a good pair of chinos and an autographed picture of Carol Channing.

Now, after months of grueling repair work by the finest minds that could be found on Craigslist, the whole epic venture to determine how matter attains mass, or why matadors go to Mass, or some such thing, I don’t know, I wasn’t paying attention, has gone kablooey once again.

Turns out a piece of French bread gummed up the works.

Yes. French bread.

And that’s not the weird part.

As the narrator of this CNN piece relates:

According to two physicists, the culprit could be the Higgs-Boson Particle traveling back in time to destroy itself.

I hate when that happens.

One of those physicists, a man with three names and a thick foreign accent, and not one of those mad-scientist accents either, but more like that of a maitre’d at a bad fusion restaurant, said, “It would look as if the future has an influence on what happens today or yesterday.”

Which would explain my VISA bill. But I digress.

The narrator continued:

Dr. [THREE NAMES] says it looks like the Higgs Boson Particle may be so abhorrent to nature that it rippled back in time to sabotage the machine that created it.

But why French bread, when a bag of gummi bears would have proved just as effective? Unless Higgs Boson is a diversion, and some French saboteurs from the future have deliberately screwed things up, envious of others’ potential achievement. (You know how they get …)

In any event, judge for yourself:

I know what you’re thinking: this is CNN, and so this has to be a put-on. Or just wrong. And to be honest, French people from the future I’ve spoken to deny having anything to do with this. But they would, then, wouldn’t they? And I suppose the Belgians had nothing to do with the waffle that was found in the gene splicer at MIT’s Lab 40. Saw that on CNN too.

Read Less




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