Commentary Magazine


Topic: cranky spokesman

Strange Herring

Iranian nuclear scientist defects to U.S. Will replace Kate Gosselin’s original partner on So You Think You Can Dance, who, ironically, defected to Iran.

The worst-kept secret in the history of subterfuge.

Don’t you dare call this woman a terrorist. She just wanted a perm.

Great — after I worked three jobs for nine years to pay off $35,000 for an associate’s degree in Adventure Recreation, the president goes all kumbaya on student loans.

Afraid that the government is everywhere these days? You’re right. (Under “Race,” I wrote “Daytona.” Under “Origin,” I wrote “scientific experiment gone crazily awry.”)

Lest I be accused of anti-government paranoia, your meds are talking about you behind your back too. I predicted all of this in my 1997 book, Your Meds Are Talking About You Behind Your Back Too. So kudos to me.

Glenn Beck has written a novel. Words fail.

Karzai blames dirty rotten foreigners for the widespread fraud in the Afghan election last year. He then demanded the chip be removed from the base of his skull lest the Mother Ship watch him while he does No. 1.

Rumor has it that the iPhone may be coming to a network that won’t employ such a cranky spokesman. Which is all I ask of my telephony. That and an app that will kill any chance of this happening.

Want to live forever? Start the day with a good old-fashioned English breakfast. And finish it off with chocolate. And a cold frosty mug of beer. Just don’t smoke – among other things, it makes you stupid. So it’s stupid to smoke. Repeat.

And pull up your pants. You look like an idiot.

American mathematician John Tate wins Abel prize for his theory of numbers, namely that they float when inflated. I swear, you live long enough and somebody’ll give you an award for just about anything.

Cretin alert: Do not take drugs for conditions you do not suffer from. Also, do not run with scissors, play in traffic, or eat less than one hour after swimming. (I may be mistaken about that last one.)

LL Cool J is not, repeat, NOT going to be on the new Sarah Palin show. And Toby Keith says his so-called interview is just recycled hype. Bobby Fischer will also not be appearing. (BTW: The show is called Real American Stories. Where oh where has that little hyphen gone?)

Obama’s Eternal Campaign hopes to cash in on words that are dirty. Republicans counter with Commemorative Stripper Polls. If I’m not mistaken, this is how Bulgaria lost its empire.

Scientists believe they now have a treatment for sleeping sickness. The cancellation of The Bill Engvall Show was certainly a good start …

Iranian nuclear scientist defects to U.S. Will replace Kate Gosselin’s original partner on So You Think You Can Dance, who, ironically, defected to Iran.

The worst-kept secret in the history of subterfuge.

Don’t you dare call this woman a terrorist. She just wanted a perm.

Great — after I worked three jobs for nine years to pay off $35,000 for an associate’s degree in Adventure Recreation, the president goes all kumbaya on student loans.

Afraid that the government is everywhere these days? You’re right. (Under “Race,” I wrote “Daytona.” Under “Origin,” I wrote “scientific experiment gone crazily awry.”)

Lest I be accused of anti-government paranoia, your meds are talking about you behind your back too. I predicted all of this in my 1997 book, Your Meds Are Talking About You Behind Your Back Too. So kudos to me.

Glenn Beck has written a novel. Words fail.

Karzai blames dirty rotten foreigners for the widespread fraud in the Afghan election last year. He then demanded the chip be removed from the base of his skull lest the Mother Ship watch him while he does No. 1.

Rumor has it that the iPhone may be coming to a network that won’t employ such a cranky spokesman. Which is all I ask of my telephony. That and an app that will kill any chance of this happening.

Want to live forever? Start the day with a good old-fashioned English breakfast. And finish it off with chocolate. And a cold frosty mug of beer. Just don’t smoke – among other things, it makes you stupid. So it’s stupid to smoke. Repeat.

And pull up your pants. You look like an idiot.

American mathematician John Tate wins Abel prize for his theory of numbers, namely that they float when inflated. I swear, you live long enough and somebody’ll give you an award for just about anything.

Cretin alert: Do not take drugs for conditions you do not suffer from. Also, do not run with scissors, play in traffic, or eat less than one hour after swimming. (I may be mistaken about that last one.)

LL Cool J is not, repeat, NOT going to be on the new Sarah Palin show. And Toby Keith says his so-called interview is just recycled hype. Bobby Fischer will also not be appearing. (BTW: The show is called Real American Stories. Where oh where has that little hyphen gone?)

Obama’s Eternal Campaign hopes to cash in on words that are dirty. Republicans counter with Commemorative Stripper Polls. If I’m not mistaken, this is how Bulgaria lost its empire.

Scientists believe they now have a treatment for sleeping sickness. The cancellation of The Bill Engvall Show was certainly a good start …

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