Commentary Magazine


Topic: Iceland

Strange Herring

Porn star drops out of Louisiana race, compares herself to Sarah Palin. Would have been worse if it had been the other way around.

Germans fine Catholic bishop $13K for denying Holocaust. I always thought you couldn’t put a price on stupid. Leave it to the Germans.

Italy is the safest place on earth to give birth. And it has nothing to do with prenatal care or better midwifery. It’s because God loves Italians better than anyone else and wants to make sure there are always plenty around. It’s a proven fact. Look it up in one of those newfangled science books already…

Anthropology prof insists degrees should be offered in UFO Studies. They already exist. I mean liberal arts degrees, not UFOs.

Seems Blago is going to be charged with a “near-constant conspiracy of extortion and kickbacks after his 2002 election.” Near constant, but not constant. So he has that going for him.

And seems Eliot Spitzer’s a multitasker. (Oh I can see those campaign ads now…)

Comet eaten by the sun. New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg insists calorie content be displayed prominently.

Speaking of NYC, it’s about to charge the homeless rent. Because they have all that disposable income. Because they don’t pay rent. Because they didn’t have any money in the first place. (Your turn.)

More NYC news: An agreement has been reached to finally close those “rubber rooms.” No, not at Bellevue, but at your local “reassignment center,” where abusive, drunk, stupid, and/or lazy public school teachers spend the day fast asleep — sometimes for years, and on full salary — while their “cases” are investigated. Instead of closing these centers, they should put abusive, drunk, stupid, and/or lazy students in the same room with them. There would at least be some kind of symmetry, not to mention poetic justice.

Steven Seagal’s reality TV show, where he plays a reserve deputy-type of law-enforcement type, is being suspended until the whole sex-slave business is resolved. Or turned into a reality TV show.

Krugman vs. Sorkin over who’s the authentic Communist and who’s the poseur. Or something. I fell asleep as soon as I read “Krugman…”

One more reason why I wish Dante were still among the living. We need yet another level of hell.

Sale of iPad overseas delayed. Apple fears that the product’s awesomeness will destabilize fragile foreign minds, resulting in civil wars and widespread economic collapse. That and the company didn’t make enough.

Bernanke says not to worry about inflation. Unemployment will probably hit 65%, so no one will have money to buy anything anyway.

You know, for a country that no one can place on a map, and that some people confuse with Greenland, and others with the Lost City of Atlantis, Iceland sure does know how to stir up trouble.

And finally, a third-grader was found dealing heroin. He was suspended when it was learned that he was cutting the stuff with Count Chocula.

Porn star drops out of Louisiana race, compares herself to Sarah Palin. Would have been worse if it had been the other way around.

Germans fine Catholic bishop $13K for denying Holocaust. I always thought you couldn’t put a price on stupid. Leave it to the Germans.

Italy is the safest place on earth to give birth. And it has nothing to do with prenatal care or better midwifery. It’s because God loves Italians better than anyone else and wants to make sure there are always plenty around. It’s a proven fact. Look it up in one of those newfangled science books already…

Anthropology prof insists degrees should be offered in UFO Studies. They already exist. I mean liberal arts degrees, not UFOs.

Seems Blago is going to be charged with a “near-constant conspiracy of extortion and kickbacks after his 2002 election.” Near constant, but not constant. So he has that going for him.

And seems Eliot Spitzer’s a multitasker. (Oh I can see those campaign ads now…)

Comet eaten by the sun. New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg insists calorie content be displayed prominently.

Speaking of NYC, it’s about to charge the homeless rent. Because they have all that disposable income. Because they don’t pay rent. Because they didn’t have any money in the first place. (Your turn.)

More NYC news: An agreement has been reached to finally close those “rubber rooms.” No, not at Bellevue, but at your local “reassignment center,” where abusive, drunk, stupid, and/or lazy public school teachers spend the day fast asleep — sometimes for years, and on full salary — while their “cases” are investigated. Instead of closing these centers, they should put abusive, drunk, stupid, and/or lazy students in the same room with them. There would at least be some kind of symmetry, not to mention poetic justice.

Steven Seagal’s reality TV show, where he plays a reserve deputy-type of law-enforcement type, is being suspended until the whole sex-slave business is resolved. Or turned into a reality TV show.

Krugman vs. Sorkin over who’s the authentic Communist and who’s the poseur. Or something. I fell asleep as soon as I read “Krugman…”

One more reason why I wish Dante were still among the living. We need yet another level of hell.

Sale of iPad overseas delayed. Apple fears that the product’s awesomeness will destabilize fragile foreign minds, resulting in civil wars and widespread economic collapse. That and the company didn’t make enough.

Bernanke says not to worry about inflation. Unemployment will probably hit 65%, so no one will have money to buy anything anyway.

You know, for a country that no one can place on a map, and that some people confuse with Greenland, and others with the Lost City of Atlantis, Iceland sure does know how to stir up trouble.

And finally, a third-grader was found dealing heroin. He was suspended when it was learned that he was cutting the stuff with Count Chocula.

Read Less

Strange Herring

That light you’re supposed to walk into when you’re dying will probably fade if you breathe into a paper bag. Or not.

Tech companies don’t steal each other’s employees. So Justice wants to investigate. Because stealing is … oh I don’t get it either …

Mitt Romney wins straw poll. Now has the most straw of, like, anybody. I mean, an incredible amount of straw. If you’re out and about, and find yourself with a Coke, and you need a straw, I’m telling you — call this guy.

Google knows you’re weird. Now we know you’re weird. Please stop being weird. It’s scaring the children. (And please don’t Google “Does being weird scare the children?”)

Net no longer neutral, decidedly supralapsarian.

What’s the difference between Jack Kevorkian and Josef Mengele? One of them’s dead.

Nachos and Pop-Tarts no longer part of Chicago school menu, consigned to dustbin along with civics, ethics, and penmanship.

Hopefully you didn’t eat during this Ramadan or you would have found yourself bowing before the porcelain god.

You Googled “Does being weird scare the children?” didn’t you? And I asked you nice …

Pizza Hut flying out of Iceland like kids from the Neverland Ranch.

Among the candidates for Justice Stevens’s seat on the High Court are Janet Napolitano, Elena Kagan, Diane Wood, and Merrick Garland. Which one of these is not like the other — or is that a rude question?

If you can’t pay your taxes by April 15, you may be able to pay later. But you’ll have to pay a penalty. And if you can’t afford to pay the penalty, a large man in a mildewy worsted suit will come to your home and cut off your head with a rusty straight razor, seal it in a Zip-lock bag, and force your youngest child to carry it around in a Hello Kitty knapsack until your traumatized family pays up. (OK, I could be mistaken about that knapsack part. Damn Fox News…)

Cirque de Soleil does Elvis. Oh like you don’t want to hear “A Big Hunk o’ Love” as interpreted by a trapeze artist and a contortionist named Capucine.

If you have asthma, stay out of the South. And the Pollen and Spore Collection of the Museum of Natural History.

And finally, the Brat Pack will never die, despite proposed legislation.

That light you’re supposed to walk into when you’re dying will probably fade if you breathe into a paper bag. Or not.

Tech companies don’t steal each other’s employees. So Justice wants to investigate. Because stealing is … oh I don’t get it either …

Mitt Romney wins straw poll. Now has the most straw of, like, anybody. I mean, an incredible amount of straw. If you’re out and about, and find yourself with a Coke, and you need a straw, I’m telling you — call this guy.

Google knows you’re weird. Now we know you’re weird. Please stop being weird. It’s scaring the children. (And please don’t Google “Does being weird scare the children?”)

Net no longer neutral, decidedly supralapsarian.

What’s the difference between Jack Kevorkian and Josef Mengele? One of them’s dead.

Nachos and Pop-Tarts no longer part of Chicago school menu, consigned to dustbin along with civics, ethics, and penmanship.

Hopefully you didn’t eat during this Ramadan or you would have found yourself bowing before the porcelain god.

You Googled “Does being weird scare the children?” didn’t you? And I asked you nice …

Pizza Hut flying out of Iceland like kids from the Neverland Ranch.

Among the candidates for Justice Stevens’s seat on the High Court are Janet Napolitano, Elena Kagan, Diane Wood, and Merrick Garland. Which one of these is not like the other — or is that a rude question?

If you can’t pay your taxes by April 15, you may be able to pay later. But you’ll have to pay a penalty. And if you can’t afford to pay the penalty, a large man in a mildewy worsted suit will come to your home and cut off your head with a rusty straight razor, seal it in a Zip-lock bag, and force your youngest child to carry it around in a Hello Kitty knapsack until your traumatized family pays up. (OK, I could be mistaken about that knapsack part. Damn Fox News…)

Cirque de Soleil does Elvis. Oh like you don’t want to hear “A Big Hunk o’ Love” as interpreted by a trapeze artist and a contortionist named Capucine.

If you have asthma, stay out of the South. And the Pollen and Spore Collection of the Museum of Natural History.

And finally, the Brat Pack will never die, despite proposed legislation.

Read Less




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