Commentary Magazine


Topic: Merrick Garland

Strange Herring

That light you’re supposed to walk into when you’re dying will probably fade if you breathe into a paper bag. Or not.

Tech companies don’t steal each other’s employees. So Justice wants to investigate. Because stealing is … oh I don’t get it either …

Mitt Romney wins straw poll. Now has the most straw of, like, anybody. I mean, an incredible amount of straw. If you’re out and about, and find yourself with a Coke, and you need a straw, I’m telling you — call this guy.

Google knows you’re weird. Now we know you’re weird. Please stop being weird. It’s scaring the children. (And please don’t Google “Does being weird scare the children?”)

Net no longer neutral, decidedly supralapsarian.

What’s the difference between Jack Kevorkian and Josef Mengele? One of them’s dead.

Nachos and Pop-Tarts no longer part of Chicago school menu, consigned to dustbin along with civics, ethics, and penmanship.

Hopefully you didn’t eat during this Ramadan or you would have found yourself bowing before the porcelain god.

You Googled “Does being weird scare the children?” didn’t you? And I asked you nice …

Pizza Hut flying out of Iceland like kids from the Neverland Ranch.

Among the candidates for Justice Stevens’s seat on the High Court are Janet Napolitano, Elena Kagan, Diane Wood, and Merrick Garland. Which one of these is not like the other — or is that a rude question?

If you can’t pay your taxes by April 15, you may be able to pay later. But you’ll have to pay a penalty. And if you can’t afford to pay the penalty, a large man in a mildewy worsted suit will come to your home and cut off your head with a rusty straight razor, seal it in a Zip-lock bag, and force your youngest child to carry it around in a Hello Kitty knapsack until your traumatized family pays up. (OK, I could be mistaken about that knapsack part. Damn Fox News…)

Cirque de Soleil does Elvis. Oh like you don’t want to hear “A Big Hunk o’ Love” as interpreted by a trapeze artist and a contortionist named Capucine.

If you have asthma, stay out of the South. And the Pollen and Spore Collection of the Museum of Natural History.

And finally, the Brat Pack will never die, despite proposed legislation.

That light you’re supposed to walk into when you’re dying will probably fade if you breathe into a paper bag. Or not.

Tech companies don’t steal each other’s employees. So Justice wants to investigate. Because stealing is … oh I don’t get it either …

Mitt Romney wins straw poll. Now has the most straw of, like, anybody. I mean, an incredible amount of straw. If you’re out and about, and find yourself with a Coke, and you need a straw, I’m telling you — call this guy.

Google knows you’re weird. Now we know you’re weird. Please stop being weird. It’s scaring the children. (And please don’t Google “Does being weird scare the children?”)

Net no longer neutral, decidedly supralapsarian.

What’s the difference between Jack Kevorkian and Josef Mengele? One of them’s dead.

Nachos and Pop-Tarts no longer part of Chicago school menu, consigned to dustbin along with civics, ethics, and penmanship.

Hopefully you didn’t eat during this Ramadan or you would have found yourself bowing before the porcelain god.

You Googled “Does being weird scare the children?” didn’t you? And I asked you nice …

Pizza Hut flying out of Iceland like kids from the Neverland Ranch.

Among the candidates for Justice Stevens’s seat on the High Court are Janet Napolitano, Elena Kagan, Diane Wood, and Merrick Garland. Which one of these is not like the other — or is that a rude question?

If you can’t pay your taxes by April 15, you may be able to pay later. But you’ll have to pay a penalty. And if you can’t afford to pay the penalty, a large man in a mildewy worsted suit will come to your home and cut off your head with a rusty straight razor, seal it in a Zip-lock bag, and force your youngest child to carry it around in a Hello Kitty knapsack until your traumatized family pays up. (OK, I could be mistaken about that knapsack part. Damn Fox News…)

Cirque de Soleil does Elvis. Oh like you don’t want to hear “A Big Hunk o’ Love” as interpreted by a trapeze artist and a contortionist named Capucine.

If you have asthma, stay out of the South. And the Pollen and Spore Collection of the Museum of Natural History.

And finally, the Brat Pack will never die, despite proposed legislation.

Read Less

Stevens to Retire — a Deserving Nominee This Time?

Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is giving interviews and advising us that he will be departing during Obama’s term. Although Justices often time their departures to coincide with a president whom they imagine would nominate a like-minded justice, none has been so bold as Stevens to directly proclaim that as his rationale. The only question is when exactly he’ll pack it in. He suggested in Sunday interviews with the New York Times and Washington Post that he might have another year to go, but why then give the retirement-predicting interviews now?

Sen. Arlen Specter, who may speak for no one other than Arlen Specter, suggested that it would be best to wait a year. He proclaimed: “I think the gridlock in the Senate might well produce a filibuster which would tie up the Senate about a Supreme Court nominee. I think if a year passes, there’s a much better chance we could come to a consensus.” Well, that might be desirable for Specter, who faces a dicey reelection and might not want to be caught up in a contentious Supreme Court fight. But the Democrats are almost certain to lose Senate seats this year — perhaps a great many — so it seems that waiting a year makes confirmation of an Obama nominee less, not more, certain.

What we do know is that Stevens’ retirement is unlikely to have much of an impact on the outcome of many of the Court’s decisions. The irascible and often quirky liberal will be replaced by another liberal, and the Court’s 5-4 split on most tough cases is likely to endure.  It also seems that Obama, to some extent, learned his lesson with the not-very-wise-at-all Sonia Sotomayor, who was selected for diversity or empathy reasons, the president boasted. The suggested short list of nominees — Solicitor General Elena Kagan (former dean of Harvard Law School), Judge Diane Wood of the Seventh U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals, and Judge Merrick Garland of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit — are indisputably smart, capable, and qualified. They are there because they will be solidly dependable liberal votes and advance those arguments with intellectual vigor.  They may not be the ideal justices conservatives would have in mind, but this — losing Supreme Court seats — is what comes from losing the presidency.

Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is giving interviews and advising us that he will be departing during Obama’s term. Although Justices often time their departures to coincide with a president whom they imagine would nominate a like-minded justice, none has been so bold as Stevens to directly proclaim that as his rationale. The only question is when exactly he’ll pack it in. He suggested in Sunday interviews with the New York Times and Washington Post that he might have another year to go, but why then give the retirement-predicting interviews now?

Sen. Arlen Specter, who may speak for no one other than Arlen Specter, suggested that it would be best to wait a year. He proclaimed: “I think the gridlock in the Senate might well produce a filibuster which would tie up the Senate about a Supreme Court nominee. I think if a year passes, there’s a much better chance we could come to a consensus.” Well, that might be desirable for Specter, who faces a dicey reelection and might not want to be caught up in a contentious Supreme Court fight. But the Democrats are almost certain to lose Senate seats this year — perhaps a great many — so it seems that waiting a year makes confirmation of an Obama nominee less, not more, certain.

What we do know is that Stevens’ retirement is unlikely to have much of an impact on the outcome of many of the Court’s decisions. The irascible and often quirky liberal will be replaced by another liberal, and the Court’s 5-4 split on most tough cases is likely to endure.  It also seems that Obama, to some extent, learned his lesson with the not-very-wise-at-all Sonia Sotomayor, who was selected for diversity or empathy reasons, the president boasted. The suggested short list of nominees — Solicitor General Elena Kagan (former dean of Harvard Law School), Judge Diane Wood of the Seventh U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals, and Judge Merrick Garland of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit — are indisputably smart, capable, and qualified. They are there because they will be solidly dependable liberal votes and advance those arguments with intellectual vigor.  They may not be the ideal justices conservatives would have in mind, but this — losing Supreme Court seats — is what comes from losing the presidency.

Read Less




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